Wednesday, November 10, 2010

The Price of Happiness.

Yesterday was kind of a big deal.  November 9th marked the anniversary of my last day at my last job/prison sentence.  Ok. so maybe you all think that I am being a little mellow dramatic when I call it a prison sentence, but for me, it was.  I cried frequently on the way to work because I had no idea how I could stand 10 more hours of that pain.  10 long hours of less than challenging work, being treated like a second class citizen, and stories of how wonderful everyone around me was.  The few people I enjoyed talking to and working with were the ones without the egos...those were few and far between.

One of the things that I find most interesting about that break up is that, to most people, I don't even acknowledge that I ever worked there.  I would rather act like it didn't happen than acknowledge that I was part of that group.

But, on to the good news.

The good news is that I am free to do what I want these days.  I have a business that is growing and I am becoming a trusted real estate advisor to many in my circle.  I like going to work.  I like the people I work with.  My clients are wonderful (thank you referrals!!).  I love my boss (gasp!?  does that really happen?).  I am occasionally frustrated by my inconsistent income.  But, in the grand scheme of things, that could be worse too.  I am thinner.  I am healthier.  I have once monthly migraines rather than once weekly.  I cook dinner most nights.  I bake.  I read books like it's going out of style.  I have rekindled old friendships.

So, yesterday, I was figuring up the price of my happiness.  The price was a little more expensive than I planned on.  But, I will take it!!  It's worth it to me to have a job I enjoy and plenty of time to give back.  And, giving back, I am.

Thursday, September 23, 2010

Movin on up.

So....it looks like I am going to graduate.  Graduate?  I thought you had already done that quite a few times?!  Nope, this time I am graduating from therapy (again).  Saw my therapist today and she suggested that I am doing so well now that she really isn't sure that I really need to be coming on a regular basis.  Really!?!?  Yeah for me!  I knew that I was doing a lot better and was beginning to feel less dependent on those visits, but to hear it coming from her is amazing.  I will miss her.  She makes me feel good about me and has given me a hell of  a lot of perspective.  If it weren't for her, I wouldn't be this strong or this sane ;)

Needless to say, I am pretty excited.  She has been more than worth my time and I am incredibly thankful for her.  And, dare I say it, but I am thankful for the train wreck of a relationship that brought me to her years ago.  If not for that, I might not have had such a wonderful person on my side when I needed it. 

Cocktails all around my friends...

Tuesday, August 17, 2010

Back in the Swing.

So...I have been absent for entirely too long.  Didn't have the energy or the motivation to write yet was writing a long winded blog in my head nearly everyday for the past 2 months.  Strangely enough, all of a sudden, I feel like I am back in the swing.

I am beginning to feel more engaged in life again...thank God.  The anniversary of my Mom's death coupled with the stress of training for a half marathon sucked the life out of me in so many ways.  However, over the past few weeks, I feel like a productive and valuable human being again.  I took about 2 weeks off from running and am thankful I did.  I hated feeling like I HAD to do it.  But, now I am back to working out and doing it because I want to.  Back to doing all kinds of cardio and have thankfully started hitting the weights again.  So, hopefully, in the next few months, these last pesky pounds I have no use for will disappear.  No, I am not fat.  In fact, I am right in the range where I should be.  However, I am not where I want to be.  But, I will get there.

In that whole vein of being back in the swing....I am cooking like a madwoman.  I have been Betty Crocker baking up a storm a couple of times a week and am making dinner every night.  Granted, some nights it is leftovers, but we aren't eating out.  Yeah for us.  And, a big yeah for me for having the motivation to make healthy meals every night and even packing BWs lunch every morning.

The funny thing about all of this is that I have no idea how long this motivation will last.  I can be hopeful that it will continue but I have been fooled by that before.  So, for now, I am going with it and getting everything done that I can...and trying to enjoy it.

The rainy weather of today certainly made me miss my Mom.  Today's weather was best described as Nantucket weather.  The weather that we both love more than anything.  For those of you that have no idea what that means, slightly overcast, cool breeze, and 70 degrees at best.  The perfect weather for a long sleeved tshirt and shorts.  We both loved that combination.  She must have been channeling me that way today instead of through all the ice cream I have been eating this summer.....

Monday, June 21, 2010

The prospect of moving.

It seems after much adieu, a wedding, a funeral, two half moves, a career change, and lots of other small details in between, I am finally going to move...into what I like to call, 'our real house.'  Last year, before life got complicated and I was seeing all through the rose colored glasses of love, we were planning on getting our houses sold and buying 'our' house together.  And, as many of you know, life got in the way and all schedules were thrown out the window.  Selling homes and moving continued to get delayed and the prospect of finding our 'real home' almost seemed out of reach.

However, in April, we decided that we had found 'our' home.  And, while it was beautiful, it needed some serious attention.  Since closing in May, our new home has been a regular contractor parade.  Lots of our much needed projects have been accomplished and it seems as though we will finally be moving.  Moving. in. to. our. real. house.

I have been waiting for this day for a year.  Waiting for a new beginning, a chance to start anew, having my 'stuff' back, and feeling settled again.  I haven't felt settled in more than a year.  Most of that has to do with the fact that most of my stuff has been packed up in some way, shape, or form.  Packed in boxes in a storage unit and in my Dad's garage.  And, over the last few weeks, those boxes have been transitioned to the new garage and new basement for impending unpacking.

As of this weekend,  most of our furniture will be joining those boxes in our new home.  And, so will we.  There were times when I had no idea if this day would ever come.  And it's almost here.

And, while I am excited, it's all very bittersweet.  My Mom won't be coming to see the new house or be giving me tips over the phone on where I should put stuff.  And, I won't be able to call her when I start unpacking those boxes to ask her,' why in the hell did I keep this??"  I will miss hearing her laugh at my dramatic comments and her encouraging me to just get rid of it....that was our solution to everything.  You should always get rid of things you don't want so you have room for new things that you do want.

Wednesday, April 28, 2010

Ick...

I have not felt like blogging lately.  In fact, I haven't felt like doing much of anything.  Luckily for me, I have a busy career now that keeps me going when I don't want to.  I thought that maybe the funk of my birthday had resolved but what I have found is that it hasn't.  I have so many wonderful things happening yet, I continue to struggle.  I am so pissed that I can't call my Mom to tell her about all of these things.  It is so hard not to share all of this with her.  We bought a house and she wasn't there to walk through it with all of us.  She isn't here to help me pick out paint and mirrors and window treatments and to help me speculate about all of the things that I want to do.  My Dad is wonderful at doing all of those things.  In fact, I am relying on him to help me get this place looking like a million bucks...But, I miss having my Mom to talk to about all of the little piddly stuff...or to tell me what to do.  I do know, however, that she would love the house and be thrilled with the neighborhood.  We are going to to be close to highways, SHOPPING, and lots of other great things.  We are going to be in a real neighborhood with nice homes and old trees....and I will be close to my Dad.

Some of this turning 30 crap has also set in...  I feel ugly, fat, and nasty...which is interesting considering I have lost 25 lbs, run 4 days a week, and am off some of my meds.  I am sure this is all normal turning 30 type stuff.  However, my cheerleader who made fun of me to get me out of these moods/funks and sympathized with me isn't here to do that.  And it sucks.  Part of it is that I currently hate all of my clothes and I how I look in them too...she would have helped me fix that too...

I have a lot to be thankful for and few thanks to give.  I am not ungrateful for the blessings I have been given.  It is just so damn hard to be thankful when you are constantly reminded of the GIANT HOLE in my heart.

As I laid in bed last night talking with Bryce, something was mentioned about the hell we have been through and my Mom being gone.  As usual, it felt like I was talking about someone else.  I still, at times, cannot grasp that my own Mom is gone even though I have existed for 9 months and 2 weeks without her.  Notice...I used the word existed.

Monday, April 5, 2010

Thursday, March 25, 2010

Hello Smith and Wesson....

Yes, you are correct, the Smith and Wesson that I am referring to are not a couple of great new stores or clothing designers....I am referring to the one that makes guns.

One of the things that we talk about in my company when it comes to personal growth is 'stepping into your fear'.  I, personally, don't think that I am afraid of too many things.  There are some ideas/activities that I am not too interested in but I wouldn't necessarily say that I fear them.  However, I stared fear square in the face on Monday night.

My husband has a couple of handguns for the purpose of protection and some sport shooting.  I know where they are.  I know about the parts.   And, I know they can kill someone.  However, I had never fired a weapon.  Ever.  So, we both thought it was pretty ridiculous to have a handgun in the home if I had no idea what it would feel like to use it.  So.............I signed up for my first NRA class about how to safely handle and use a handgun.

I went, by myself, to class on Monday night.  The class was taught by a woman who knows her stuff and seems to be an expert in the field.  I stepped into the local gun range shop and felt like I was in a foreign land. I knew very little about all of the different guns and ammo there.  In my class, there were 2 other women and 3 men.  And, being the person that I was, I assumed that most of the people in that beginner class had never fired a weapon either.  Wrong assumption.  They all had....except me.  Class went well.  I paid attention, answered questions, and felt like I had a pretty good handle on the rules.  Then it was time for the gun range....you know...where they fire guns.

I have been off my blood pressure meds for over a week and have no idea what my blood pressure was when I stepped into my own little stall.  I could guess and would tell you that the number I would guess usually requires medical intervention.  I waited patiently for further instruction.  I was in absolutely no hurry for the first time ever.  And, then as it got closer to my turn, the feelings and physical reaction that I have prior to vomiting started.  Don't worry...I didn't vomit all over, although I was awfully darn close.

One of the things that they tell you is to keep gradually applying pressure to the trigger until your weapon fires and that you should be surprised when it does.  Believe me, I was surprised on all 50 of the rounds that I fired.  And, I was marginally more comfortable as I went through my rounds.  I was also pleasantly surprised to learn that I was a pretty damn accurate shot.  Don't misunderstand, it's not like the target was that far away, but I did pretty damn well for someone who was trying not to throw up.  Oh yeah...and I was better than the other women in the class...it's a good thing I am not competitive.

Overall, I would put it in line of the most stressful things I have ever done.  For those of you that know me and know my previous life as a nurse, it was even more stressful than some of the times that I coded someone with a gut feeling they wouldn't make it.

Despite the stress, I will go back.  I want to try again without those first time jitters and see how it goes.  If it goes well, I will keep it up.  If not, I won't.  But, if some idiot comes into my home with the intent of harming me, I will not be afraid to show him that I know how to use a gun safely....and then I will probably throw up.