Wednesday, November 10, 2010

The Price of Happiness.

Yesterday was kind of a big deal.  November 9th marked the anniversary of my last day at my last job/prison sentence.  Ok. so maybe you all think that I am being a little mellow dramatic when I call it a prison sentence, but for me, it was.  I cried frequently on the way to work because I had no idea how I could stand 10 more hours of that pain.  10 long hours of less than challenging work, being treated like a second class citizen, and stories of how wonderful everyone around me was.  The few people I enjoyed talking to and working with were the ones without the egos...those were few and far between.

One of the things that I find most interesting about that break up is that, to most people, I don't even acknowledge that I ever worked there.  I would rather act like it didn't happen than acknowledge that I was part of that group.

But, on to the good news.

The good news is that I am free to do what I want these days.  I have a business that is growing and I am becoming a trusted real estate advisor to many in my circle.  I like going to work.  I like the people I work with.  My clients are wonderful (thank you referrals!!).  I love my boss (gasp!?  does that really happen?).  I am occasionally frustrated by my inconsistent income.  But, in the grand scheme of things, that could be worse too.  I am thinner.  I am healthier.  I have once monthly migraines rather than once weekly.  I cook dinner most nights.  I bake.  I read books like it's going out of style.  I have rekindled old friendships.

So, yesterday, I was figuring up the price of my happiness.  The price was a little more expensive than I planned on.  But, I will take it!!  It's worth it to me to have a job I enjoy and plenty of time to give back.  And, giving back, I am.

Thursday, September 23, 2010

Movin on up.

So....it looks like I am going to graduate.  Graduate?  I thought you had already done that quite a few times?!  Nope, this time I am graduating from therapy (again).  Saw my therapist today and she suggested that I am doing so well now that she really isn't sure that I really need to be coming on a regular basis.  Really!?!?  Yeah for me!  I knew that I was doing a lot better and was beginning to feel less dependent on those visits, but to hear it coming from her is amazing.  I will miss her.  She makes me feel good about me and has given me a hell of  a lot of perspective.  If it weren't for her, I wouldn't be this strong or this sane ;)

Needless to say, I am pretty excited.  She has been more than worth my time and I am incredibly thankful for her.  And, dare I say it, but I am thankful for the train wreck of a relationship that brought me to her years ago.  If not for that, I might not have had such a wonderful person on my side when I needed it. 

Cocktails all around my friends...

Tuesday, August 17, 2010

Back in the Swing.

So...I have been absent for entirely too long.  Didn't have the energy or the motivation to write yet was writing a long winded blog in my head nearly everyday for the past 2 months.  Strangely enough, all of a sudden, I feel like I am back in the swing.

I am beginning to feel more engaged in life again...thank God.  The anniversary of my Mom's death coupled with the stress of training for a half marathon sucked the life out of me in so many ways.  However, over the past few weeks, I feel like a productive and valuable human being again.  I took about 2 weeks off from running and am thankful I did.  I hated feeling like I HAD to do it.  But, now I am back to working out and doing it because I want to.  Back to doing all kinds of cardio and have thankfully started hitting the weights again.  So, hopefully, in the next few months, these last pesky pounds I have no use for will disappear.  No, I am not fat.  In fact, I am right in the range where I should be.  However, I am not where I want to be.  But, I will get there.

In that whole vein of being back in the swing....I am cooking like a madwoman.  I have been Betty Crocker baking up a storm a couple of times a week and am making dinner every night.  Granted, some nights it is leftovers, but we aren't eating out.  Yeah for us.  And, a big yeah for me for having the motivation to make healthy meals every night and even packing BWs lunch every morning.

The funny thing about all of this is that I have no idea how long this motivation will last.  I can be hopeful that it will continue but I have been fooled by that before.  So, for now, I am going with it and getting everything done that I can...and trying to enjoy it.

The rainy weather of today certainly made me miss my Mom.  Today's weather was best described as Nantucket weather.  The weather that we both love more than anything.  For those of you that have no idea what that means, slightly overcast, cool breeze, and 70 degrees at best.  The perfect weather for a long sleeved tshirt and shorts.  We both loved that combination.  She must have been channeling me that way today instead of through all the ice cream I have been eating this summer.....

Monday, June 21, 2010

The prospect of moving.

It seems after much adieu, a wedding, a funeral, two half moves, a career change, and lots of other small details in between, I am finally going to move...into what I like to call, 'our real house.'  Last year, before life got complicated and I was seeing all through the rose colored glasses of love, we were planning on getting our houses sold and buying 'our' house together.  And, as many of you know, life got in the way and all schedules were thrown out the window.  Selling homes and moving continued to get delayed and the prospect of finding our 'real home' almost seemed out of reach.

However, in April, we decided that we had found 'our' home.  And, while it was beautiful, it needed some serious attention.  Since closing in May, our new home has been a regular contractor parade.  Lots of our much needed projects have been accomplished and it seems as though we will finally be moving.  Moving. in. to. our. real. house.

I have been waiting for this day for a year.  Waiting for a new beginning, a chance to start anew, having my 'stuff' back, and feeling settled again.  I haven't felt settled in more than a year.  Most of that has to do with the fact that most of my stuff has been packed up in some way, shape, or form.  Packed in boxes in a storage unit and in my Dad's garage.  And, over the last few weeks, those boxes have been transitioned to the new garage and new basement for impending unpacking.

As of this weekend,  most of our furniture will be joining those boxes in our new home.  And, so will we.  There were times when I had no idea if this day would ever come.  And it's almost here.

And, while I am excited, it's all very bittersweet.  My Mom won't be coming to see the new house or be giving me tips over the phone on where I should put stuff.  And, I won't be able to call her when I start unpacking those boxes to ask her,' why in the hell did I keep this??"  I will miss hearing her laugh at my dramatic comments and her encouraging me to just get rid of it....that was our solution to everything.  You should always get rid of things you don't want so you have room for new things that you do want.

Wednesday, April 28, 2010

Ick...

I have not felt like blogging lately.  In fact, I haven't felt like doing much of anything.  Luckily for me, I have a busy career now that keeps me going when I don't want to.  I thought that maybe the funk of my birthday had resolved but what I have found is that it hasn't.  I have so many wonderful things happening yet, I continue to struggle.  I am so pissed that I can't call my Mom to tell her about all of these things.  It is so hard not to share all of this with her.  We bought a house and she wasn't there to walk through it with all of us.  She isn't here to help me pick out paint and mirrors and window treatments and to help me speculate about all of the things that I want to do.  My Dad is wonderful at doing all of those things.  In fact, I am relying on him to help me get this place looking like a million bucks...But, I miss having my Mom to talk to about all of the little piddly stuff...or to tell me what to do.  I do know, however, that she would love the house and be thrilled with the neighborhood.  We are going to to be close to highways, SHOPPING, and lots of other great things.  We are going to be in a real neighborhood with nice homes and old trees....and I will be close to my Dad.

Some of this turning 30 crap has also set in...  I feel ugly, fat, and nasty...which is interesting considering I have lost 25 lbs, run 4 days a week, and am off some of my meds.  I am sure this is all normal turning 30 type stuff.  However, my cheerleader who made fun of me to get me out of these moods/funks and sympathized with me isn't here to do that.  And it sucks.  Part of it is that I currently hate all of my clothes and I how I look in them too...she would have helped me fix that too...

I have a lot to be thankful for and few thanks to give.  I am not ungrateful for the blessings I have been given.  It is just so damn hard to be thankful when you are constantly reminded of the GIANT HOLE in my heart.

As I laid in bed last night talking with Bryce, something was mentioned about the hell we have been through and my Mom being gone.  As usual, it felt like I was talking about someone else.  I still, at times, cannot grasp that my own Mom is gone even though I have existed for 9 months and 2 weeks without her.  Notice...I used the word existed.

Monday, April 5, 2010

Thursday, March 25, 2010

Hello Smith and Wesson....

Yes, you are correct, the Smith and Wesson that I am referring to are not a couple of great new stores or clothing designers....I am referring to the one that makes guns.

One of the things that we talk about in my company when it comes to personal growth is 'stepping into your fear'.  I, personally, don't think that I am afraid of too many things.  There are some ideas/activities that I am not too interested in but I wouldn't necessarily say that I fear them.  However, I stared fear square in the face on Monday night.

My husband has a couple of handguns for the purpose of protection and some sport shooting.  I know where they are.  I know about the parts.   And, I know they can kill someone.  However, I had never fired a weapon.  Ever.  So, we both thought it was pretty ridiculous to have a handgun in the home if I had no idea what it would feel like to use it.  So.............I signed up for my first NRA class about how to safely handle and use a handgun.

I went, by myself, to class on Monday night.  The class was taught by a woman who knows her stuff and seems to be an expert in the field.  I stepped into the local gun range shop and felt like I was in a foreign land. I knew very little about all of the different guns and ammo there.  In my class, there were 2 other women and 3 men.  And, being the person that I was, I assumed that most of the people in that beginner class had never fired a weapon either.  Wrong assumption.  They all had....except me.  Class went well.  I paid attention, answered questions, and felt like I had a pretty good handle on the rules.  Then it was time for the gun range....you know...where they fire guns.

I have been off my blood pressure meds for over a week and have no idea what my blood pressure was when I stepped into my own little stall.  I could guess and would tell you that the number I would guess usually requires medical intervention.  I waited patiently for further instruction.  I was in absolutely no hurry for the first time ever.  And, then as it got closer to my turn, the feelings and physical reaction that I have prior to vomiting started.  Don't worry...I didn't vomit all over, although I was awfully darn close.

One of the things that they tell you is to keep gradually applying pressure to the trigger until your weapon fires and that you should be surprised when it does.  Believe me, I was surprised on all 50 of the rounds that I fired.  And, I was marginally more comfortable as I went through my rounds.  I was also pleasantly surprised to learn that I was a pretty damn accurate shot.  Don't misunderstand, it's not like the target was that far away, but I did pretty damn well for someone who was trying not to throw up.  Oh yeah...and I was better than the other women in the class...it's a good thing I am not competitive.

Overall, I would put it in line of the most stressful things I have ever done.  For those of you that know me and know my previous life as a nurse, it was even more stressful than some of the times that I coded someone with a gut feeling they wouldn't make it.

Despite the stress, I will go back.  I want to try again without those first time jitters and see how it goes.  If it goes well, I will keep it up.  If not, I won't.  But, if some idiot comes into my home with the intent of harming me, I will not be afraid to show him that I know how to use a gun safely....and then I will probably throw up.

Wednesday, March 24, 2010

My Birthday Present

Today is my 30th birthday.  And, it is birthday #1 without my best friend.  On some level, I found it poetic to wake up with a migraine and that it has rained all day.  To me, the rain is from my Mom.  She is very sad to not be here for my 30th birthday and knows that this has NOT been the birthday season of birthdays past.

Each year, I buy myself a little something for my birthday...or maybe a few little somethings.  But, this year, is different.  I did something much bigger and something that will bring a long lasting impact to both my life and the life of my community.

As of last Friday, the Proud Mary Foundation was established.  Yes, I started a Non Profit in honor of my Mom.  She and I both love helping others and making a difference in the lives of those whose circumstances are much worse than our own.  So, I felt it was only fitting to give back in honor of my 30th year.  The mission is to support causes that both she and I believe in.  As you can imagine, there will be donations made to organizations that support literacy, education, the Episcopal Church, and the good works of the University of Kansas Hospital.  Each year, a percentage of my salary will be dedicated to the Foundation and others will be able to donate as well.  

I know that she is proud of me and the woman I am becoming.  And, I know she thinks what I have done is fitting.  I will continue to help others in honor of her memory and in support of organizations she loved.  She will continue to make a difference with my help.

And, I will just tell you....I am going to have a lot of fun handing out those checks.

Thursday, March 11, 2010

The Value of a Girl Date

It's amazing how much a 'girl date' can help sometimes.  This week has been rather rotten.  Had a lot of emotional stress, a lot of missing my Mom, and the change of seasons which always tends to mess with my head.    Needless to say, Missing Mom Monday had turned into Tearful Tuesday......so by Wednesday, I was in need of some help.  Luckily for me, I had an evening planned with a friend I don't get to see often enough.  And, she and I did what we both love to do....went to Nordstroms.  Our mission, find things that made us think of spring and massacre our winter blues.  So, we went the evening eyeing shoes, playing in the make up, touching purses with leather that felt like 'buttah', and picking up some color on the 2nd floor.  So, this am, I woke up knowing that I would be wearing a cute new cardi in the perfect shade of purple and some new makeup that makes me feel pretty.....I think it isn't going to be a bad day.
I don't have too much to complain about today....I get to spend the afternoon 'working' the VIP suite at the Sprint Center for the Big XII tournament....with free booze and free food...sounds pretty damn rough doesn't it.  And, while I can't wear anything to support my teams, I did wear the perfect spring purple cardi today.

Thursday, March 4, 2010

Sunshine

I never been so glad to see sunshine as I was today.  Not only was it finally flippin sunny for a whole day, but it is 50.  50 glorious degrees.  I am so completely over this winter and in need of some serious vitamin D.  So, bring on the sunshine and the warmer weather.

I was out running around over lunch and contemplated getting a pedicure to celebrate the nice weather.  Then, I knew that would certainly spoil it all and certainly bring more snow.  So, I will wait....just like I am waiting a few days to get my car washed.  It's supposed to rain this weekend....

Monday, March 1, 2010

Funked.

I had plenty of things to be thrilled about today.  I was back in the office.  My first listing went up which means the excellent prospect of a paycheck.  It is March, otherwise known as the start of birthday season.  It was 40 degrees and I saw about 3 rays of sunshine.

I went to work with a good attitude...by 10, it was trickling down hill.  And, I tried and tried and tried to get myself right back out of it.  I made some serious progress in the office and got A LOT done.  However, the Monday Miss My Mom doldrums crept into my consciousness despite my best efforts.  I have been 'funked' ever since.

I am lonely for my buddy.  Lonely to trade our normal Monday emails that griped about how much neither one of us wanted to be at work....although, these days, I actually want to be there.  Lonely to start hearing the stories about the day I was born and the blizzard that tried to circumvent my arrival.  Lonely to talk about what we are going to wear for Spring and that neither one of us has anything that we like in our closets.

I am officially in that closet hating stage right now.  I am so over everything that is in there.  I am sick of winter clothes and less than excited about my current spring prospects.  And, I am also not pleased that my weight loss has halted and that my ass does not fit into the nice small size it belongs in.  I want the vision of the JCrew stylists...ok, so not some of the ugly looks....some of the, 'wow, I can't believe that goes together and looks that good' looks.

As for my workouts....well...they are going ok.  I had a really good one last Thursday that almost made me puke....And, I was supposed to get back on my 'no snooze' wagon this am and failed miserably.  I am going to the gym 5-6 days a week, it just isn't always in the morning like it should be.

Today is the day that nothing is right.  I am frustrated with me.  Sick of living in Olathe.  Sick of living out of multiple locations.  Sick of Claire playing defense when Moxie goes outside.  Sick of feeling fat.  Sick of running on that damn track at the gym.  Sick of coats.

I hope to wake up and have the funk gone tomorrow.  I hate days like this.  I have alot to be thankful for but don't feel all that damn thankful....and that frustrates me.

Friday, February 19, 2010

How to Write....

Over the last year, I have learned that there is a correct way to send/write a sympathy card.  And, considering most people feel really awkward about writing those types of cards, I thought I would give you a few pointers.  To get it out on the table, there is no 'right' thing to say....there are a few 'wrong' things to say.  One of which is writing that you know how they feel....no....you don't.  Even if you have been in a similar circumstance, you do not know exactly how they feel...even if they are in your family.  Grief is different for everyone and everyone responds differently.

All sympathy cards look the same after the first 2.  So, my recommendation is to send a personalized note.  The lame sympathy cards that are available just get old to those that are receiving them.  I know you have no idea what to say and you feel Hallmark does....nope.  One of my favorite things to read were the sentiments written by people about specific things that they remembered.  If you know the person that passed away well, write one of those.  Or, if you know their family member, write about what you remember they were close to that person about.  For example, for someone that didn't know my Mom but knew me, "Ann, I know you will miss talking about KU basketball games with her.  But, if you ever want to talk basketball, I would be happy to."

Make it personal.  Let them know that you are praying for them.  That actually really helps to provide comfort...or at least it did to me.

The appropriate time to send your thoughts.  Everyone sends cards at the beginning.  You are bombarded for weeks with cards.  But, then it all stops quite suddenly.  And the grieving person feels exceptionally lonely.  Therefore, if you haven't gotten around to sending the card for three months and you feel exceptionally guilty....don't.  You should send the card.  In my experience, I really enjoyed the cards that I received 'after the fact.'  They helped to remind me that I was not forgotten.

So...my advice is to stay out of the sympathy aisle at Hallmark.  I know they are doing their duty but a personal note is a really nice gesture.  I have decided I will never buy another sympathy card for someone.  I have all of Hallmarks current one's and I don't need to see anymore.

Tuesday, February 16, 2010

The Concept of Blogging

Over the last 10 days...there have been some interesting thoughts rolling around in my head.  I have hurt a few feelings, stepped on a few toes, and made a few people think by the blogs that I have written in recent months.  And, while talking with a trusted friend, I was advised that I just needed to grieve more privately and not in this out there fashion.  In the beginning, that sounded like a logical solution.  Then, I thought about it.  I know that I could easily just journal like some people do or I can keep doing it.  As of right this minute, I am voting for keeping it going.  Writing and publishing holds me accountable is some strange way.  I know that there is a long list of people that read on a regular basis for entertainment, for a laugh, for my reality, or because they got lost on the internet.  Those people are choosing to read what I write.  They might not agree, they might not find it funny, but they are choosing to read because for some reason, they want to read what I have to write.  And, I know, there are quite a few that are laughing...and taking it for what is is worth.  My thoughts at that exact moment. However, the disclaimer should be.....my thoughts are opinionated and the trauma of the last 7 months have caused my brain to work in a very different way.  I don't write to offend.  I write to heal.  And, every day, that takes effort to do.  Effort to put one foot in front of the other and effort to remember that I am doing the best I can....with what I have at that exact moment.

Thursday, February 11, 2010

This Milestone Birthday

So...in approximately 5 weeks, I turn 30.  No, I am not one of those women that is having a massive breakdown about the loss of my youth....not even close.  But, it has caused me to ponder a few things.  Me, over analyze?  Nah....only every day.  Over the past few months, I have been telling myself that I am thrilled to be turning 30 because that means I get to say 'see you the hell later' to year 29 and a few other choice years that happened in my 20s.  I learned that your 20s are certainly about growing....and I experienced plenty of what some would call 'growing pains'....otherwise known as emotional disasters.  Maybe I should share a few of the high and low lights of my 20s.

Turned 21.  Yes, that was a big deal.
Finished at KSU and left Manhattan.  Yes, I still miss it.
I lived through Nursing school.
I witnessed my first death.  Unfortunately, it was the first of quite a few.
I saved someone's life....that happened more than once too.
I made some kick ass friends.
I bought a home.
I lived through grad school while working full time, taking call, and working a part time fun job.
I fell in love with the wrong person.
The wrong person broke my heart....more than once...because I allowed that to happen.
I met my amazing therapist.
I met Bryce....and Moxie.
I feel head over heels in love.
I got fired.
I worked for a really despicable company.
I got married.
I moved.
My Mom died.
I cried for 3 solid months.
I sold my home.
I quit my career.
I found an amazing office/career.
I gained weight over the course of the last 7 years.
I lost weight over the course of the last 7 months.
I started running.
I tried out to be a National Spokewoman for the GO RED campaign (don't know the results yet).
I became a better person.

That, in a nutshell is a very abbreviated list, is the last 10ish years.  It all looks kind of funny written out together.  And, some of it explains why I have almost gone crazy more than once.  I swear there have been times where checking into the 'loony' bin has looked like a very attractive option.  Yet, I have survived.

So, as I look to my 30s, I wonder.  I wonder what my first birthday without my Mom is going to be like.  This will be first year that she has not called me at just after 7 am to wish me a Happy Birthday.  It will be my first birthday as a wife.  It will be my first birthday in a career that I can actually not work on my birthday if I so choose.  It will be the first birthday that I will be decorating a grave in thanksgiving for my life.  It will be the first birthday where I will not hear the story about 'how I almost died having you'.  And, strangely enough, the queen of the 'birthday season' is not really sure how she wants to celebrate.  Do I celebrate like I usually do...which is at every excuse I can think of?  Or, do I just let it ride.

There is part of me that wants a huge celebration...for a variety of reasons.  And, then, there is part of me that is not sure she wants to celebrate at all.



 

Friday, February 5, 2010

Kind of a Big Deal....

Ok...so many of you have seen the movie Anchorman....where Will Ferrell is well....kind of a big deal..so to speak.  Well, I am hoping after this weekend that I am kind of a big deal too.  A couple of weeks ago I heard an ad on the radio show that I listen to in the am about the Go Red for Women Casting call.  For one second, I thought about it and then quickly rationalized myself right out of it.   I know one of the women who was a National Go RED for Women spokeswoman and she had a heart transplant.  So, I assumed that I probably wasn't qualified for the campaign.  However....because it is me....I did a little digging.  I found out that the American Heart Association is looking for women to speak out to raise awareness for heart disease both at the local and national level.  And, those women just have to have a vested interest in the cause....Well, let's see, I have high blood pressure and have been on meds for almost 10 years, my Mom died of a massive stroke and she had open heart surgery at 38 years old, my grandmother has had multiple strokes and TIAs, and my Dad has had 5 heart attacks....Do you think that counts as a vested interest in heart disease??!?!  Vested interest doesn't even cover part of it....My gene pool is a death sentence.  However, I am busting my ass to avert my risks....like trying to eat well and getting my happy ass to the gym at least 5 days a week.  So....Since I finally realized that I was a viable candidate, I called and got more information.  Which means that tomorrow at approximately 1 pm, I will be shooting my audition video in my Mom's red suit and my killer red heels at the local Macy's.  And, I am hoping, praying, and visioning that I will be called to be notified that my video has been sent on to compete at the National Level.  I want to do this.  I need to do this.  I feel like I HAVE to do this.  And, well, I would be damn good at it.  I can speak eloquently and there is no question in anyone's mind if I am passionate.  And, the AHA is looking for both of those things....

Tuesday, February 2, 2010

IT'S UP!!!!!

www.halfmaryforproudmary.com

Check it out friends and make your tax deductible donations!!!

Monday, February 1, 2010

Musak

Funny how much music means...and how those meanings change over time.  Wow.  That was impressive wasn't it.  Nope, it sounded pretty lame but it is as good as I can come up with after time at the gym.  The problem is that my brain is so flippin' out of control crazy at the gym that afterwards my brain is fried.  My brain gets overloaded with focusing on the fashion mishaps of others, the sarcastic remarks I make in my head, my ongoing thought provoking monologue that goes on while I run, and making sure that I am listening to good music.

Music is very important to working out.  I have seen people work out without it and I wonder how the hell they do that.  It's not possible for me.  So, I thought long and hard about my playlist for my workouts.  It is an interesting mix of country, pop, yelling music, and a few melancholy pieces.  The yelling stuff tends to be the most motivating...the melancholy is good for cool down.  Once again...yet another revelation.

However, what I found really interesting tonight are how much some of those songs have changed in their meaning.  One song on the list is City of New Orleans by the one and only Willie Nelson.  When I was in college, I thought it was just another cool Willie song.  But now, the song is about business to me.  It's about being out on my own, being my own boss, and doing my own thing.  One of the other songs on my list is Get to Me by Train.  First of all, I must preface this with saying that I love Pat Monahan of Train.  His voice is gold to me.  Not even sure what he looks like, but I like it better that way...I can imagine he's hot.  At one point a few years ago, the song was about the man in my life.  It was about getting to me anyway he could after we were away from each other.  now the song is about my Mom's spirit.  It's about finding her with me in everyday things.  It's funny to me how their meanings change over time.

Music can make or break your day.  It has been known to turn around a rotten moment.  Sadly, though, music programs are getting cut all across the nation because the school districts don't have enough to pay the teachers...and their aren't enough teachers with the patience of Job to deal with the kids.  I am sure that our tax dollars are going to be wasted by our politicians for programs that don't work rather than something that can change a kid's life forever.

hates mondays at the gym.

I hate Monday's at the gym.  Everyone sucker who fell off the wagon over the weekend is there on Monday.  In fact, you can't even get a parking spot sometimes b/c these failed weekend dieters are here taking up my space. So,this am, I protested.  I said, "hello 545, I am up. but I am not going right now with the rest of the idiots."  Since I make my own schedule, I am going this afternoon with the mamas that go.  Sounds good to me.  I will avoid the am rush and the pm rush.  And no, I don't' feel bad for the vat of chips and queso I had on Friday night.  I work out on a regular basis so I can eat that....or I could skip it and lose some more weight...I voted for the chips last week.  Good for me.  And, my Mizunos and I will be on the track this afternoon.  Double good for me.

Friday, January 29, 2010

Stop it

This is a general message.  Stop correcting me on things you think that you feel are necessary with the guise of doing it b/c you feel my Mom would have wanted you to.  You are inaccurate.  You were not part of that relationship.  Our friendship/mother daughter relationship was ours.

Thursday, January 28, 2010

Annie 3 Snooze 1

Well...I think that I am officially kicking the snooze button's ass.  Today was the first day that I slacked and used it.  So, as far as I am concerned, I am a champ.  No snooze tomorrow though, back at it.  I wish I had something more fascinating to share but I don't.  I spent alot of my day doing data entry.  Yuck.  I was about ready to blow up my computer....but I was smart enough not to.

Tuesday, January 26, 2010

Hugs are good.

I have missed my Mom alot the last two days.  No specific reason, just quite a few circumstances that have made me cuss her obvious absence.  Damn it.  I need her.  I got some not to so great news this afternoon and based on the events of the last few months, it really hit home with me.  I will elaborate more soon.  However, I was really upset.  So, I walked into my boss's office and told her and our controller that I needed a hug.  And, I got one.  Thank God for them and understanding that I wouldn't be asking if I didn't think I wasn't going to make it without it.  For a minute, they made me feel better.  They get a star on their chart for that one.

Monday, January 25, 2010

Good intentions

Today was the hard stop for hitting the snooze button.  I have been a chronic 'snoozer' for as long as I can remember.  Sometimes I hit it once, sometimes I hit for an hour.  All in all, it's a practice I need to stop.  As much as I love it, it isn't productive.  So, since today was stop day I had a busy night last night.

Laid out workout clothes with socks and shoes.  Check.
Synced IPOD with new tunes for workout.  Check.
Made my drink for my workout and put it in the fridge.  Check.
Redid the covers on the bed so that I might have some and sleep well.  Check.
Set both alarms.  One for me.  One for Bryce.  Check.
Be in bed before 1030.  Check.

Wake up at 630 realizing the alarm as not gone off.  -6 checks.
Realizing that while you set the time on the alarm, you forgot to turn it on.  Nice work, you idiot.

However, the alarm was then set for 715, and that's when I got up, without the snooze button.

Luckily for me, I have time for the gym this afternoon and will make it then.

Today gets a 50% for execution so far.  Thank God, there is always tomorrow.

Sunday, January 24, 2010

You look thin.

Nope...I'm not bragging.  However, one of my favorite people today told me that I was looking really thin.  And, you would have thought that I won the lottery.  My weight hasn't change much since I started training but, I am pretty darn sure that I am building some serious muscle again.  Yeah for me.  Today's comment will be good fuel for this week of training since I had a little lapse last week.  If I could just get this damn sleep problem figured out life would be better.

Friday, January 22, 2010

Of course.

I have my first appointment this afternoon with my first clients....I will be selling their home for them!  And, because it is my first ever business appointment as an official REALTOR, I need to feel good.  Feeling good means wearing a little sparkle....my favorite sequined jacket.  Some might think that's a little over the top....not me, it's perfect.  This jacket looks great and it fits me.  Let's go sell a home!!!

Tuesday, January 19, 2010

I am my mother's daughter

I almost laughed out loud this morning when I looked down at my feet.  I have red nail polish on my big toe only and miniscule remainders of it on my other toes.  That might not be funny at all to you....but I laughed to myself.  That always happened to my Mom in the winter because she wouldn't take the polish off herself and risk ruining her always perfect manicure....so I always took it off for her because it bugged me.  And, what am I doing....walking around with that same look.  Maybe I'll fix it....or maybe I will just leave it.

I also laughed as I busily jotted notes down on my yellow legal pad this afternoon.  That was my Mom too.  Maybe tomorrow I can get out the note cards and organize it in the same columns that she did.

Monday, January 18, 2010

Might I not recommend...

Trying to run before 7am on a Monday when you have a pulled muscle in your back.  In my quest to improve my health, and get ready for that little half marathon, I begrudgingly hauled myself to the gym this am.  And, I tried to run just like I was supposed to.  Might I add, I am not really a 'runner' to begin with but today was certainly a testament to that as well.  I am also not one of those people that need to prove their heroism either...so, after I figured out I was either going to really hurt myself or pass out...I walked it.  And, that was just going to have to be good enough for this am.  Honestly, it was a Monday...and I hate Mondays.

I realize that most people hate Mondays...I, however, take that to the next level.  I hate getting up on Monday, which is funny because I no longer despise my job.  I don't like lots of pressure on Mondays...I like to ease into my weeks.  My Mom died on a Monday so that right there is a good enough reason to hate them.  As far as a I am concerned, Monday can be my cranky day.  Or, maybe Monday should just be negotiable...maybe we should be able to choose whether or not we want it to be part of our life.  Pretty sure you know what I would choose.

Who knows...

For the last six months, I have been blogging about my process of grief over the sudden loss of my Mom, who was also my best friend.  Because of my blog, I have made a lot of progress...and who knows, maybe I have even helped someone.  But, on a regular basis, I have these random thoughts, usually in the middle of the night when I can't sleep (thanks grief), that just don't fit in my other blog or anywhere else for that matter.  So, I decided that it was time to start another one.  Who knows if anyone will read it...but, I don't really care.  

As for the title...I love sequins.  That was actually a fundamental difference between my Mom and I.  She thought that less was more usually when it came to all things sparkle.  I, however, love all things that sparkle, jewelry, gemstones, sequins, mirrors....if it shines...I like it.  So, why not throw that in the title.  As for the diva part...take it for what it's worth....a fun short word to tack onto sequined.