Wednesday, April 28, 2010


I have not felt like blogging lately.  In fact, I haven't felt like doing much of anything.  Luckily for me, I have a busy career now that keeps me going when I don't want to.  I thought that maybe the funk of my birthday had resolved but what I have found is that it hasn't.  I have so many wonderful things happening yet, I continue to struggle.  I am so pissed that I can't call my Mom to tell her about all of these things.  It is so hard not to share all of this with her.  We bought a house and she wasn't there to walk through it with all of us.  She isn't here to help me pick out paint and mirrors and window treatments and to help me speculate about all of the things that I want to do.  My Dad is wonderful at doing all of those things.  In fact, I am relying on him to help me get this place looking like a million bucks...But, I miss having my Mom to talk to about all of the little piddly stuff...or to tell me what to do.  I do know, however, that she would love the house and be thrilled with the neighborhood.  We are going to to be close to highways, SHOPPING, and lots of other great things.  We are going to be in a real neighborhood with nice homes and old trees....and I will be close to my Dad.

Some of this turning 30 crap has also set in...  I feel ugly, fat, and nasty...which is interesting considering I have lost 25 lbs, run 4 days a week, and am off some of my meds.  I am sure this is all normal turning 30 type stuff.  However, my cheerleader who made fun of me to get me out of these moods/funks and sympathized with me isn't here to do that.  And it sucks.  Part of it is that I currently hate all of my clothes and I how I look in them too...she would have helped me fix that too...

I have a lot to be thankful for and few thanks to give.  I am not ungrateful for the blessings I have been given.  It is just so damn hard to be thankful when you are constantly reminded of the GIANT HOLE in my heart.

As I laid in bed last night talking with Bryce, something was mentioned about the hell we have been through and my Mom being gone.  As usual, it felt like I was talking about someone else.  I still, at times, cannot grasp that my own Mom is gone even though I have existed for 9 months and 2 weeks without her.  Notice...I used the word existed.

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